Well, Well, Well, Its That Time Of The Year Again, With The NBA Playoffs For The Eastern Conference Finals. Its All About Matchups, NOT Only ON But Also OFF The Court. Here Are The Matchups:Detroit Vs. Miami, The Sequel:GOODBYE HEAT WEATHER: NO Beach Vs. South Beach.Advantage: Miami MUSIC: Madonna Vs. Gloria Estefan. The Queen Of Pop Against The Conga. Advantage: Detroit BEST SONG ABOUT CITY: Kisss Detroit Rock City Vs. Will Smiths Miami. The Fresh Prince Has As Much Street Credibility As The Backstreet Boys. Besides, Gene Simmons Has Slept With More Women Than Wilt Chamberlain. Advantage: Detroit RAPPER: Eminem Vs. Pitbull.I Dont Care For Eminem, But To Paraphrase Stuttering John On Pitbull: WHO Are You And What Do You Do That Makes You Famous??? Advantage: Detroit RESTAURANT: Carls Chop House Vs. Joes Stone Crab. Carls Is Good, But Joes Is The BEST.Advantage: Miami WRESTLER: Rob Van Dam Vs. The ROCK. The Rock Is Retired From The Ring, But My Good Friend, Mr. Pay-Per-ViewThe Whole F---en. Show RVD, Is The Greatest Athlete In Wrestling. Dont Believe Me? Ask Rasheed Wallace. Advantage: Detroit COLLEGE FOOTBALL PROGRAMS: U Of M. Vs. THE U. In The Last 25 Years, Michigan Has Won A Single National Championship And Produced The Most Clutch Quarterback In The NFL, By The Name Of Tom Brady. However, The NFL Should Be Known As The University Of Miami Alumni Association, And THE U. Has Won FIVE (count Them: 5) National Championships (should Be Seven. SEE FLAWED 2000 BCS System And 2003 National Championship Fiesta Bowl For The Worst Call In Sports History). Advantage: Miami COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACHES: Lloyd Carr Vs. Larry Choker (Ooops, I Meant Coker) This Is College Footballs Version Of Rich Kotite Vs. Ray Handley. Advantage: PUSH FAMOUS ALUMNI: Selma Blair Dr. Jack Kevorkian Vs. Michael Irvin The ROCK. The Playmaker The ROCK Lay The Smackdown On All Their Candy Asses. Advantage: Miami WOMEN: Initially, This Seems Like A Monumental Mismatch. In Terms Of Quantity, Its A NO CONTEST, But Were Talking Quality Here. MiamiFt. Lauderdale Girls Are FAKER Than The Silicone In Their Breasts. Motor City Girls Are HOT, But More Importantly, Theyre REAL. Advantage: Detroit SPORTS FANS: This Is A Bigger Mismatch Than Microsoft Vs. Enron. Detroit Sports Fans Have Suffered Through Years Of Futility With The Lions (still Are) And Tigers, Yet Unconditionally Support Their Teams Through Thick And Thin. There Were NO Heat Fans Before Wade And Shaq Came To TownAlonz-HO Mourning Is The Epitome Of A Sell-outthe Canes CANT Sell Out The Orange Bowl Unless They Play Florida State Or Virginia Techand Despite Winning TWO World Series Championships In The Franchises First 11 Years, The Marlins Are Now On The Brink Of Contraction. Not A Bad Idea. While Theyre At It, Please Contract All The Fair Weather Fans Too. Hands Down, Miami Is The BANDWAGON FANWORST SPORTS TOWN IN AMERICA! Advantage: Detroit SPORTS TALK HOSTS: From What I Have Been Told, It Is NOT A Prerequisite For Prospective Talent To Have Played For The Lions In Order To Have Their Own Talk Show. They Actually Have To Be Talented And Entertaining Broadcasters. Imagine That? What A Novel Idea! Advantage: Detroit NFL TEAMS: Lions: NO Super Bowls; Dolphins: TWO Nick Saban Could Be The Next Bill Belichick And Matt Millen Is The Isiah Thomas Of NFL Front Offices. Advantage: Miami POINT GUARD: Chauncey Mr. Big Shot Billups (2004 NBA Finals MVP) Vs. Jason White Chocolate Williams. This Is About Comparable To Asking Whats A Better Movie: THE GODFATHER Or GIGLI? Advantage: Detroit SHOOTING GUARD: RIP Hamilton Vs. Dwyane Wade. For Non-NBA Followers, It Seems Like A No-brainer, But This Is A Lot Closer Than It Seems. By The Way, Who Held D. Wade Scoreless In The Fourth Quarter Of Game Seven 2005 Eastern Conference Finals? RIP, Thats Who. However, This Flash Most Definitely Has Substance. Advantage: Miami SMALL FORWARD: Tayshaun Prince Vs. Antoine Walker. The Battle Of The Kentucky Wildcats. Celtic Fans Must Be Laughing, As Danny Ainge Couldnt Wait Until An-twahn Walk-ah (Boston Accent) Left Town. He Couldnt Play Defense If Tony Soprano Held A Gun To His Head. Plus, Tayshaun Is Straight Outta Compton, Like Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, And Suge Knight. Advantage: Detroit POWER FORWARD: Rasheed Wallace Vs. Udonis Haslem. Haslem Gets Exploited Like Martha Stewart On Wall Street Or Ashlee Simpson On Saturday Night Live Whenever These Two Face Each Other. Sheed Is The Best Outside Shooter 68 And Above Since A Guy By The Name Of Bird. After A Couplemore Championships, He Will Be Headed To My Hometown Of Springfield, To The Basketball Hall Of Fame. Perhaps Sheed Is The James Worthy Of The 21st Century. Advantage: Detroit CENTER: Ben Wallace (four-time NBA Defensive Player Of The Year) Vs. Shaquille ONeal (three-time World Champion). Aside From A Couple Of Playoff Games, Shaq Looks Like A Shadow Of His Former Dominant Self In This Post-season. Shaq Gets The Edge, But BIG BEN Will Give Him All He Can Handle. By The Way, Who Was The Center Who Beat Shaq When He Was With The Lakers In 04 And The Heat In 05? Now, That Guy Goes For The Hat Trick. Advantage: Miami COACHES: Flip Saunders Vs. Pat Riley. Despite The Fact That Riles Hasnt Won Anything Since Whitney Houston And George Michael Were Atop The Billboard Charts In 1988, Flip Only Made It Past The First Round Once In His Career Before He Got To Detroit. Riley Is A Sure-fire Hall Of Fame Coach, From Looking At His Pre-Miami Rsum. Conversely, Check Out His Post-New York Rsum; Hed Have Trouble Getting Into The WNBA Hall Of Fame (See 98, 99, 2000 Home Court Season Ending Playoff Losses To The Knicks; First Round Playoff Loss To The Then Charlotte Hornets In 01; Draft Lottery In 02 03). Aside From (figuratively) Stabbing His Best Friend, Stan Van Gundy, In The Back, Hes Probably A Nice Guy. Advantage: Miami FRONT OFFICES: Joe Dumars Vs. Pat Riley. Hands Down, Joe Dumars Is The Best Executive In The NBA (SEE Lopsided Trades: Grant Hill For Ben Wallace Chucky Atkins; Jerry Stackhouse For Richard Hamiltonyou Might Call This A RIP OFF PUN Intended). Joe D. May Not Be Perfect, Passing On D. Wade, Chris Bosh And Carmelo In The 2003 Draft For Darko, But Hes Pretty Damn Close. Riley Should Know If It Aint Broke, Dont Fix It! His Team Was A Minute And A Half Away From The NBA Finals A Year Ago, So What Did He Do? Got Rid Of The Teams Best Three-point Shooter, Damon Jones, Legit Point Guard Keyon Dooling, Underrated Rasual Butler, And Best Defender, Eddie Jones, For White Chocolate, James POSER,and Two Way Past Their Prime EgomaniacsWalker Payton. But, Most Of All, He FIRED His Protg, Stan Van Gundy, To Appease His Own Ego.Advantage: Detroit PREDICTION: To Quote My New Friend, Frank Vincent, A.k.a. Billy Batts From GOODFELLAS And Phil Leotardo From The Sopranos: MIAMIGO HOME AND GET YOUR F---IN SHINEBOX! Mickey Arison Might Sign The Paychecks, But The PISTONS OWN The Heat!DETROIT ROLLS IN FIVE GAMES. GUARAN-SHEED! Dont Forget To Listen To The Sports Edge With Yours Truly, A.k.a. The REAL American Idol, Marc Bednarczyk, The GREAT Jim Grieshaber, Every Day On Sirius Satellite Radio (Channel 122) From 4-7 P.M. EASTERN.
