Almost Six Years Ago, When The Father Of My Children And I Divorced, We Wholeheartedly Agreed To Share Joint Custody Of Our Two Children, Who Were 3 And 6 Years Old At That Time.During Our Nine Years Of Marriage, We Had Never Argued About Parenting Philosophies Or Values. I Saw No Indication That Parenting After Divorce Would Be Any Different.So, With The Help Of Lots Of Books And Research, I Set About Creating A Lovely Best-case Scenario Of How It Would Be After The Divorce: Co-hosting Birthday Parties, Welcoming Each Others New Partners Into An Extended And Joyful Family Unit, Sitting Together At Their School And Sporting Events While Beaming With Pride At The Accomplishments Of Our Beautiful Children, And Getting On The Same Page With Mealtimes, Bedtimes, Etc., So That There Would Be As Much Consistency Between Our Two Home As Possible. These Are Wonderful And Healthy Ideas, And Many Co-parents I Know Have Achieved Them.But I Forgot To Allow For One Critical Variable In My Lovely Scenario. I Had Assumed That My Kids' Dad Would Want To Participate In This Optimal Arrangement.Unfortunately, I Was Wrong.Shortly After Our Friendly Divorce Was Completed, He Informed Me That Our Future Conversations Were To Be Confined To Solely To The Topics Of Scheduling And The Exchange Of Relevant Information, Such As The Results Of Their Dental Checkups. There Would Be No Philosophical Meeting Of The Minds About Parenting. He Would Parent Our Children As He Saw Fit On His Time, And Was Not Interested In My Opinions Or Input.I Was Horrified To Think That Our Kids Were Going To Be Raised In Two Homes With No Overlap. I Had Envisioned Co-parenting As A Bigger Happy Family Spread Out Over Two Homes. Instead I Faced The Reality Of Parallel Parentingtwo Separate Worlds With No Intersection Except In A Parking Lot At Exchange Time.That Was Almost Six Years Ago. My Kids Have Adjusted Better Than I Could Ever Have Imagined. Their Worlds Have Expanded Immeasurablythey Have Two New Stepparents, And Large Extended Families. They Have Stretched Their Minds And Hearts In Order To Accommodate The Wildly Diverse Values Held By Those They Dearly Love.They Are Flexible, Open Minded, And Think For Themselves. They Understand The Relativity Of Truthwhen My Daughter Was About Four I Overheard Her Tell A Playmate, Well, That Might Be True For You, But Its Not True For Me! Theyve Learned How To Discern What Works Best For Them From A Variety Of Options.Theyve Taken The Lemons Life Gave Them And Made Lemonade.Im Writing This Article To Reassure Those Of You Who Have Less Than Ideal Co-parenting Situations That There Are Things You Can Do In Only One Home (yours) That Can Make Life Better For Your Kids, And For You.Here Are Some Of My Road-tested Tidbits Of Advice:1)bBe Available.b Save Your Shopping, Errands, Etc. For The Times They Are Not With You. When They First Arrive At Your House, Just Sit Down. My Kids Usually Join Me For A Snack At The Kitchen Table For About An Hour, During Which They Unload Their Stories, Complaints, News Updates, School Projects, Etc. Sometimes One Of Them Will Sit On My Lap, Or My Daughter Will Play With My Hair.Be Still, And Make Yourself Available For Them To Physically And Emotionally Reconnect With You. Give Them Time To Re-calibrate To The Rhythm Of Your Home Before You Expect Them To Jump Into Chores Or Homework.Of Course, In Order To Be Truly Available For Your Kids, You Need To:2)bTake Good Care Of Yourself. BGet Regular Exercise. Spend Time With A Good Friend Or Therapist Who Can Listen Without Judgment To All Your Feelings. Write In A Journal. Work Through Your Anger And Pain. Eat Well. Dont Sacrifice Your Health Or Sanity Thinking Its Noble Or Necessary For The Good Of The Kids.Just Like They Say On The Airplane Regarding The Oxygen Masks, Secure Your Own Lifeline Before Helping Your Child. You Dont Have Much To Offer If Your Own Basic Needs Arent Being Met.3)bDo Not Judge The Other Parent Within Earshot Of Your Children.b This May Sound Impossible, But Let Me Assure You, It Can Be Done. Your Ex Lives Forever Inside Your Childrens DNA. If You Speak Condescendingly About Their Other Parent In Any Way, Your Child Feels Insulted. We May See The Distinction And Separation, But Our Children Do Not. Keep Your Judgments To Yourself Until You Can Safely Vent Them With Your Supportive Listener From Tidbit Number 2.It Is Imperative That You Accept That There Is More Than One Way To Do Things. I Have A No Comment Policy On What Happens At Their Other House. I Dont Ask Them Why Its That Way, Or Why Their Dad Said This Or Did That. I Simply Acknowledge Their Communication In A Neutral Way, And Reflect Back Whatever Feelings They Might Be Having. Hmmm, Sounds Like You Might Be Feeling Disappointed About That Situation. This Way The Kids Can Stay In Their Own Experience And Move Through It, Without Feeling Like They Need To Defend The Other Parent From Your Attack.And Prepare Ahead Of Time For When Your Kids Get Old Enough To Become Curious About Why You Got Divorced. Youll Need A Neutral And Nonjudgmental Answer. Heres One I Read Somewhere During One Of Those Many Research Sessions That I Liked: Get Out Some Pots And Lids Of Various Sizes. Show The Kids How Even When Theres Nothing Wrong With Either The Pot Or The Lid, Not All Of Them Fit Together. Mommy And Daddy Just Didnt Fit Together In A Happy Way Anymore.4)bDo Not Judge Your Childrens Feelings.b Just Listen. One Day My Son Came Home Extremely Angry About Something That Had Happened At His Dads. I Followed My No Comment Policy, Not Making His Feelings Right Or Wrong, But Simply Reflecting Them Back To Him. Within A Few Minutes, The Storm Had Passed. He Gave A Deep Sigh Of Relief, Thanked Me For Listening, And Went Out To Play Basketball.There Was No Resolution, No Problem Solving, And Nothing Had Changed In The Situation. He Just Needed The Freedom To Vent His Frustration, And To Feel Love And Acceptance While Doing So.Telling Him Not To Feel That Way, Refusing To Allow Him To Speak Of His Father In My Home, Making Excuses For His Father, Or Jumping On The Blaming Bandwagon With Him Would Have Inhibited The Clearing Of His Emotional Energy. Just Listen.5)bTeach Your Child To Solve Hisher Own Problems. BIn That Idyllic World Of Healthy Co-parenting, You Can Hold A Family Meeting With All Of You Present To Address Any Problems. For Those Of Us In The Adequate But Not Ideal World Of Parallel Parenting, Thats Not An Option.Instead, Ive Helped My Kids To Learn Effective Communication And Problem Solving Strategies, And We Practice Them In Our Home.I Do Not Intervene In Any Problems They Are Having With Their Other Family. After Reflecting Back Their Feelings, I Encourage Them To Speak Directly To Their Father. Often, They Decide Not To.This Is Hard For Me To Watch, But Ive Learned To Let Them Take Full Responsibility For Their Actions And Choices Regarding Their Father. My Job Is To Keep My Own Lines Of Communication Clear And Available For Them.6)bBuy Doubles.b Its Embarrassing How Long It Took Me To Figure This One Outwe Had Far Too Much Stress About Boots Or Snow Pants Or Dress Clothes Being At The Wrong House At The Wrong Time.I Finally Went To Savers And Goodwill And Spent Just A Few Dollars On Extra Clothing. Now On Exchange Days, The Kids Have A Choice. They Can Wear The Cheapie Clothes, And Not Have To Worry About Remembering To Bring Them Back, Or They Can Wear Their Good Clothes, And The Prospect Of Wearing The Goodwill Ones When They Return Helps Them Remember To Bring Them Back. Problem Solved!7)bDont Use Your Kids As Messengers, Or Ask Them To Speak For You Or Their Other Parent.b And Dont Think You Can Fool Them, Either. They Know When You Are Plying Them For The Scoop On The Other Parent, No Matter How Subtle You Think Youre Being. And They Hate It.Unless You Suspect Abuse Or Neglect, What Happens At The Other Home Is Not Your Business, So Dont Ask For Details. Of Course You Can Listen If The Kids Want To Tell You Something, But Dont Pry.Dont Wonder Out Loud What Dad Was Thinking When He Took Them To McDonalds For Both Breakfast And Lunch. Dont Ask If Moms Boyfriend Went To Water World Last Weekend, Too. If You Really Want To Know, Ask Your Ex And Leave Your Child Out Of It. Kids Hate Being Asked To Spy For You. They May Feel That Giving These Answers Is A Kind Of Betrayal, Or Fear That They Will Be Punished For Something That Was Not Under Their Control.(a Little Sidenote Here: Dont Ask Your Kids To Keep Secrets From The Other Parent. This Puts Them In A Terrible Position. If Theres Something You Dont Want The Other Parent To Know About Your Life, Simply Do Not Tell The Children About It.)Develop A Direct Channel Of Communication Between The Parents. We Use Email, And Before That We Used The Back Door Option On Voice Mail To Send Each Other Messages Without Ringing The Phone. Some Parents Send A Communication Notebook Or Folder Back And Forth In One Of The Kids Backpacks.Just Last Night My Daughter Told Me Her Dad Wanted To Know If I Would Take Her To Sports Practice That Would Fall On My Day. I Could See The Relief On Her Face When I Said, Honey, Dont Worry About That. Ill Talk To Your Dad About It And Well Work It Out.8)and The Corollary:b Dont Speak For The Other Parent. BSometimes My Kids Will Ask My Why Daddy Wont Let Them Spend Their Allowance The Way They Want To, Or Why He Thinks This Way Or That.It Took More Will Power For Me Not To Speak For My Ex At The Beginning, When I Still Knew Him Well Enough To Have An Idea About The Reasons Why He Did Things. Now, I Honestly Have No Clue What Hes Thinking, So Its Easy To Refer Them To Him For The Details.Its Important That You Give The Other Parent The Opportunity And Responsibility To Speak For Themselves With Their Children. Dont Run Interference. Dont Defend Or Protect The Other Parent From The True Consequences Of Their Actions. Let Them Explain To Your Child Why They Were Late, Rather Than Covering For Them. The Sooner Your Child Faces The Reality Of Who Their Parent Is, The Sooner They Can Get About Their Business Of Forgiving Them And Making Whatever Adjustments Need To Be Made.9)bFree Your Children To Love Both Of You Without Reservation Or Fear. BAnd Any New Partners, As Well. Please, Do Whatever Internal And Emotional Work You Need To Do So That You Are Not Threatened By Your Childs Love For Your Ex Or Stepparent. This Might The Most Important Tidbit Of Them All.Show Your Child How A Candle Can Share Its Flame To Ignite Other Fires Without Losing Any Of Its Own Light. Love Is Infiniteit Cannot Be Diminished By Sharing It With Others. Let Your Child Know That Its OK For Her To Love Both Mommy And Daddy, Regardless Of How They Feel About Each Other, And That You Are Confident That She Has So Much Love Inside Her That It Can Never Run Dry.10)bBe A Storehouse Of Happy Family History. BIf It Is True, Your Child Will Love Hearing That She Was Conceived In Love, Or That Mommy And Daddy Were So Happy When He Was Born. Kids With Co-parents Probably Get To See Them Engaging In Peaceful And Productive, Sometimes Even Warm, Interactions. My Kids Hardly Ever See Both Of Us In The Same Place At The Same Time, And Even Less Frequently Do They Witness An Actual Interaction.My Daughter Was Only Three When We Divorced, And Has No Memory Of Her Dad And I Being Happy Together. So I Gathered Some Pictures Of Good Times That Included Various Permutations Of Her Family Forest (its Bigger Than A Tree - This Concept Came From A Book In The Resource List Below), And I Hung Them In A Big Collage Frame In Her Room. She Beamed, And Told Me That Her Favorite Was The One Of Me And Her Dad Holding Her When She Was A Baby.And When She Asks, I Tell Her Stories About Her Birth, And How We Loved Her So Much, And How We Would Take Her On Walks Around The Neighborhood Together. Little, Everyday Kinds Of Stories, To Fill In The Blank Places In Her Memory With Joy.That Should Be Enough To Give You A Good Start. Oh, Wait, Just One More:On The Hard Days, When Youre Tired Or Frazzled Or Overextended And You Slip Up, Please Forgive Yourself And Just Start Again. Be Gentle With Yourself ... Youre Doing The Best You Can.
