Vice President Cheney, Upon His Return From A Visit To Former Soviet Bloc Nations, During Which He Criticized Russian President Putin In Unusually Direct, If Correct, Terms, Found Himself Suffering From Shortness Of Breath. Hesitant About Consulting A Doctor Immediately, He Performed A Self-diagnosis And Realized That His Condition Was Due Primarily To Putting His Foot In His Mouth With Alarming Frequency.Knowing The Tenuous Disposition Of His Cardiovascular System, He Determined To Remedy His Verbal Dereliction And Signed Up For A Course At Dale Carnegie, Where He Expected To Learn How To Win Friends And Influence People.At His First Class, However, He Found Himself Unable To Listen Calmly To His Lecturer And Began To Dispute With Him. Taken Aback, The Professor Explained That His Statements Were Not Based On His Own Beliefs But Consisted Entirely Of The Time-honored Teachings Of Dale Carnegie.The Vice President Was Not Assuaged, And Announced, Youre Just Not Living In The Real World. Let Me Show You How It Really Is.With That, He Ambled To The Blackboard And Began To Revise The Statements The Teacher Had Written There. Fortunately, A Member Of Our Staff, Who Always Accompanies The Vice President When He Thinks A Story May Be In The Making, Had Accompanied Him.Here Are Selections From His Notes On Mr. Cheneys Revisions Of Carnegies Teachings. For Ease Of Comparison, We Present The Original Carnegie Categories And Principles, Immediately Followed By The Cheney Update.1. Fundamental Techniques In Handling PeopleCarnegie: Dont Criticize, Condemn, Or Complain.Cheney: Easy Fix. Just Erase The Word Dont.Carnegie: Give Honest And Sincere Appreciation.Cheney: Another Easy Fix. Lets Add Back The Word Dont.2. Ways To Make People Like YouCarnegie: Smile.Cheney: Honest People Hardly Ever Smile; Hypocrites Do.Carnegie: Make The Other Person Feel Important And Do It Sincerely.Cheney: What Other Person? Im The Most Important Person In The Room, Even When Im Talking To The President.3. Win People To Your Way Of ThinkingCarnegie: Show Respect For The Other Persons Opinions. Never Say, Youre Wrong.Cheney: Why? Since Im The Vice President, The Other Person Is Always Wrong.Carnegie: Begin In A Friendly Way.Cheney: Again, Why When Youre About To Tell The Person Something Thats Not Friendly?Carnegie: Get The Other Person Saying Yes, Yes, Immediately.Cheney: Here We Agree.Carnegie: Try Honestly To See Things From The Other Persons Point Of View.Cheney: What For, If Hes Wrong To Begin With?Carnegie: Throw Down A Challenge.Cheney: Now Were Talking.4. Be A Leader: How To Change People Without Giving Offense Or Arousing ResentmentCarnegie: Call Attention To Peoples Mistakes Indirectly.Cheney: Mind If I Just Erase The First Syllable Of The Last Word?Carnegie: Talk About Your Own Mistakes Before Criticizing The Other Person.Cheney: If I Made Mistakes, I Wouldnt Be The Vice President.Carnegie: Make The Other Person Happy About Doing The Thing You Suggest.Cheney: OK, Thats Why Im Here. Tell Me How. Then Maybe I Can Relax.The Teacher, Gasping From His Own Shortness Of Breath, Uttered, I Have No Idea.Then, If You Dont Mind, Ill Excuse Myself. As A Vice Presidential Courtesy, I Wont Charge For The Updates."
